End Of The Line (?)

When I was in my twenties I tried to imagine how my life would be after I turn thirty. And I couldnt. As hard as tried, it felt like there was a black curtain preventing me from seeing anything after 30.

(c) Peter Church

Even after I turned 30, I have just been winging it. I still cannot see the future as clearly as I envisioned it when I was in my 20’s. Maybe it is just adulting, as no one is telling you anymore which courses to attend but instead you have to be responsible of your own actions and plan everything.

Until Things Don’t Go As Planned

(c) Martius Krogstad Aune

Maybe it is a blessing in disguise that we humans cannot plan everything in advance. I, for instance, had my first age related crisis when I was nearing 30. I started to question myself,my career choices, everything. I had reached a point where I was single, and there were no potential suitors in sight, at the same time I had realised that my nursing career didn’t really have potentials for advancement, and that I was stuck in Finland. And as an (expensive) opportunity to join Ryanair as Cabin Crew presented itself, I grabbed it. I flipped my life upside down, resigned from work, and moreved to the UK. And spent the next 9 years flying.

But as said, things don’t always go as planned. And I do believe in divine meddling. After I decided to cut my wings and return to nursing, I had some health issues which culminated in open heart surgery some years later. The sleepless nights before the surgery (thanks to all-wise Dr. Google) helped me to shed the fear of dying, something that I am very happy even today. The surgery also made me realise that there are things that I cannot control, but those things I need to just accept and ride with – what ever the outcome. Maybe it is called trusting the Divine.


I didn’t expect to meet my then-husband-now-wifey when going for a weekend holiday in Prague, in the Czechia. But like many other things in life, it is the unplanned things that turn out to be the most life changing. In this case, it was during the last day when I realised that this is my person, and it dawned to me that this is my soulmate, and then I started crying. I cried in the metro to the airport, I cried at the airport, I cried at the security control, and at the boarding gate, in the transfer bus to the airplane. I cried the whole damned flight back to Finland.

But maybe it was a good cry, because less than two months later we were living under the same roof, and have been ever since.

What’s This About The End Of The Line?

Lately we have been watching “Say I do”, a reality surprise wedding show in Netflix. And like any good LGBTIQ people, we have been crying our eyes out with some heartwrenching back stories and so on, but then there was an episode with a gay couple getting married.

During the show they expressed their wish to adopt and that struck a nerve with me.

I am an only child, so when I pass away that will be the end of my family line. After I am gone, there will be no one to continue the family name, or remember to remember me.

It is different for my wifey – she has many siblings who have children so in a way, her family goes on even without us having children.

And this is where I think I have entered my next age related crisis. When I was younger I always wondered if I would be a good father – but at that time it wasn’t an option for gay men to adopt, at least in Finland. Even nowadays if you are a single gay man, it is nigh impossible even if the law allows it. Even as an LGBTIQ couple, we still would struggle to fulfill all the criteria before even being considered as parents.

So we have had long talks about it and have made a hard decision of not even consider an adoption or having a baby. One of the reasons is our age – we most likely would be past 70 years old when our kid(s) would be 18, and it is not fair for them either.

I am not saying it is easy to know that this is the end of my line, and to know that my parents will never have the chance to be grandparents, except to our doggos, whom they love like any doting grandparents would. I swear that our doggos love them more than us (they have plenty of treats).

Miss Lola & Mr. Mika (c) Khalil Shafiq


I might not have been able to visualise my life after 30, but it didn’t mean I would be dead. Instead, I believe that from when I turned 30, my life actually began. And the best part is, I don’t have to walk this Earth alone, but with my soulmate by my side. We may not.get everything we want, but the Divine will give us what we need. Maybe there won’t be anyone continuing my family name, but maybe I still manage to make a lasting impression and people will remember me?

We can, and should be moved by events and stories we witness, see, and hear. The best ones are those that we can relate to. And those things should make us feel inspired to create and do things ourselves. Like I was inspired by this episode of Say I do to write this blog. We shouldn’t feel negative and down, but instead see the goodness that can come out from our experiences.

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