Travelling Thoughts

Back in the day when I was in my twenties I tried to imagine how my life would be after I turn thirty. Even if I pride myself having a pretty good imagination, I couldn’t. As hard as tried, it felt like there was a thick, black curtain preventing me from seeing anything after I turn 30.

When you are young, you can quite easily conjure up the possibilities what you want to do, and what you dream of doing when you grow up. But for me, that ended almost on the day the magical 30 happened. No more dreamu paths leading forward, just… trying to wing it day after day. I still cannot see the future as clearly as I envisioned it when I was in my 20’s. Maybe it is just adulting, as no one is telling you anymore which courses to attend but instead you have to be responsible of your own actions and plan everything.

Until Things Don’t Go As Planned

Maybe it is a blessing in disguise that we humans cannot plan everything in advance. I had my first age related crisis when I was nearing 30. I started to question myself, my career choices, everything. I had reached a point where I was single, and there were no potential suitors in sight, at the same time I had realised that my nursing career didn’t really have any potential for advancement, and that I was stuck in Finland. And as an (expensive) opportunity to join Ryanair as Cabin Crew presented itself, I grabbed it. I flipped my life upside down, resigned from work, and moved to the UK. For the next 9 years I spent flying.

But as said, things don’t always go as planned. And I am a firm believer in divine meddling. After I made the decision to cut my wings and return to nursing, I started to experience some health issues which culminated in open heart surgery some years later. The sleepless nights before the surgery (thanks to all-wise Dr. Google) helped me to shed the fear of dying, something that I am very grateful even today.

The surgery also made me realise that there are things that I simply can’t control, but just need to accept and ride with—what ever the outcome. Maybe it is called trusting the Divine.

Marriage

I had no expectations, except to sightseeing when I went for a weekend break to Prague, and certainly didn’t expect to meet my spouse during that time. But like many other things in life, it is the unplanned things that turn out to be the most life changing. In this case, it was during the last day when I realised that here is my person, and it dawned to me that this is my soulmate, and then I started crying. I cried in the metro to the airport, I cried at the airport, I cried at the security control, and at the boarding gate, in the transfer bus to the airplane. I cried the whole damned flight back to Finland.

What’s This About The End Of The Line?

There was a reality, surprise wedding show, called “Say I do” in Netflix. And like any good LGBT people, we had been crying our eyes out with some heart wrenching back stories and so on. And then came the episode with a gay couple.

During the episode they expressed their wish to adopt and that struck a nerve with me. As an only child, this topic hits home each and every time. When I pass away that will be the end of my family line. As simple as that. After I am gone, there will be no one to continue the family name, or to remember me. Lately I have also thought of the unimaginable; who will take care of my body and put me to the grave according to Islamic rites, especially if I pass after my wife.

It is different for her – she has many siblings who have children so in a way, her family goes on even without us having children. For that I am very thankful.

This is the point where I think I have entered my next age related crisis. When I was younger I always wondered if I would be a good father – but at that time it wasn’t an option for gay men to adopt, at least in Finland. Even nowadays if you are a single gay man, it is nigh impossible even if the law allows it. Even as an LGBT couple, we still would struggle to fulfill all the criteria before even being considered as parents.

We have had long talks about it and have made a hard decision of not even consider an adoption or having a baby. One of the reasons is our age – we most likely would be past 70 years old when our kid(s) would be 18, and it is not fair for them either.

I am not saying it is easy to know that this is the end of my line, and to know that my parents will never have the chance to be grandparents, except to our doggos, whom they love like any doting grandparents would. I swear that our doggos love them more than us (they have plenty of treats).

So?

I might not have been able to visualise my life after 30, but it didn’t mean I would be dead. Instead, I believe that from when I turned 30, my life actually began, and maybe that was the reason why there was no more idealistic planning.

The best part in this adulting phase is that I don’t have to walk this Earth alone. I have my soulmate by my side. We may not get everything we want, but the Divine will give us what we need, and when we need it. Maybe there won’t be anyone continuing my family name, but maybe somewhere along my path I will manage to make a lasting impression and people will remember me?

We can, and should be moved by events and stories we witness, see, and hear. The best ones are those that we can relate to. These are the things that make us humans.

And the things we experience ourselves, or though others, should make us feel inspired. Like I was inspired by this episode of Say I do to write this blog. We shouldn’t feel negative and down, but instead see the goodness that can come out from our experiences.